Ever since my wife Iris and I got married we have had an excellent relationship. However, shortly after the beginning of our marriage a number of other things went wrong -- some seriously wrong. As a consequence I began to blame God. As a result I soon found myself doubting God's existence.

Over the next two decades and I found myself unable to say whether God existed or not. I was a true agnostic. But, as they say, I tried to back my horse both ways. I continued going to church every Sunday -- just in case there might be a God. Rather silly, perhaps.

So my life found a different focus: an academic one. I had been an 11+ failure and had done nothing at school. Now I began studying again, first with O -- levels, then A -- levels part-time, and then I went to university full time (albeit with a wife and two children), read economics and later researched for an M.Phil.By this time I was a dyed-in-the-wool academic.

In those days I was simply concerned to establish a professional reputation for myself through research, publishing articles, getting promotion and so forth. The problem of God's existence  I had submerged beneath all this intellectual activity; it was like holding a large ball down underwater.

But, having finished a lengthy period of research I decided that I needed a temporary change of activity. So I took up oil painting for awhile. For the first time in many years my mind it was not occupied with solving problems. In other words I had taken my hands off the ball -- and it shot to the surface! It became a problem I had to sort out.

In mass one Sunday morning the readings included Luke 11.9 where Jesus talks about asking and receiving, seeking and finding, knocking and having the door opened. It was like hearing these promises for the first time and they had a deep effect on me.

The effect was even greater when Jesus went on to emphasise that these promises were always met. It seemed to me that if God really did exist then he had to keep these promises. So I said to him, "Okay, I will seek and knock and if I do not find nor have the door open to me, so that I know you exist, it will not be my fault. You will have failed to keep your promises".

So how does someone find God when he does not even know whether he exists or not? Having been brought up a Catholic my first instinct was to begin going to Mass each day, which I did -- but I was too self-conscious about it to tell Iris what I was doing.

Yet that did not seem enough on its own, so when the kids asked what I wanted for Christmas, I amused them greatly by asking for a Bible. Over  a couple of years or so I progressed through the Old and into the New Testament.

But, though I did find much of Paul's writing difficult, strange thing began to happen. Periodically it was as though my mind took over in explaining what the text meant. Activity by the Holy Spirit never occurred to me.

After about 2.5 years of this searching, Iris develop emphysema, so that her lungs progressively filled up with fluid. Due to a condition of acute angina the doctors were unable to withdraw the fluid. By Easter they had given her about six weeks to live.

We had some nuns  in the parish at that time and one of them, noticing how ill Iris was, persuaded us to go to the small town of Maltby about 20 miles away where the parish priest, Fr May, held a healing service every Friday night. We went on the Friday of Pentecost. The church was packed and when Iris was prayed over she, like virtually everyone else, "rested in the Spirit". She was down for about 20 minutes. When she got up her lungs were completely clear and have always remained so.

Iris had two standing appointments to see her doctor every week, and when she went on the Monday he was utterly amazed at her new condition. But it had not been my experience and, although I could not explain it, I was still left with my agnosticism.

The people from the Maltby church organised a charismatic conference every August and we decided to join them there. We had high expectations. Iris wanted to know why God was pouring out so many gifts on people in these days; I was still trying to discover whether or not God existed.

By Wednesday we had found no answers to our questions and I was disgruntled to find that the afternoon was being given over to the youth. I did not look forward to it. My worst expectations seemed  to be fulfilled when one of the two young men who were asked to speak fell up the stairs to the stage!

My expectations could not have been more wrong. The witnesses which they gave of the way in which God was working in their lives was astounding. I had never heard anything like it before. Towards the end of their witness I experienced something which I can only describe as "waves of sanctity" which emanated from these two lads and swept over me. I had to leave the hall hanging on to Iris's arm because I could not see for the tears running down my face.

Traditionally on Thursday night at the conference there was a healing mass . With people also coming in from outside the chapel it was absolutely packed. When it got to the time to pray for healing, people were "going down in the Spirit" even before they got prayed with. When it came to my turn to be prayed over absolutely nothing happened. I was disappointed and secretly jealous of what seem to be happening to other people.

That was sinful and, in retrospect, it let Satan in. The rest of the evening I had a sense of unease but felt it would have gone by the morning. It did not. In fact it turned into the deepest depression I have ever experienced. It was black and persistent and stayed with me all morning, even through the praise and talks of the final session. The last event of the conference was a final mass and I sat on the benches in absolute misery feeling that, far from having found God, I was 1,000,000 miles further from him than ever.

I felt that I had to do something. So I determined that, when the music started for the beginning of mass, I would enter into the praise, no matter how I felt. Hence when the first note of music sounded I made a superhuman effort to get onto my feet with my hands in the air. Yet the instant I made that attempt it was as though someone lifted me onto my feet. The depression fell off me like a cloak.

I found myself standing before God, before the Holy Spirit. It was like standing before a great open fire but without the heat. It was an experience of God's love and it literally saturated me. I could not then, and can not now find any way to express the purity and the infinity of that love. It literally filled my whole being.

I do not know how long that lasted, but it changed my life completely. It turned all the values I had been living by upsidedown. My life was completely change.

Author:AK Whitehead.Web Site:http://www.christianword.co.uk
All this material copyright but may be used if this is included
Almost 30 years experience in UK and USA in healing, teaching, counselling. Has written numerous articles and several books (available on above web site). Has worked in many other jobs e.g. boatbuilding, lecturing, management.